Inconceivable

I’ve learned many a lesson in the midst of all my child-bearing/inability to bear children.  I WANT CONTROL.  I want control so bad my mind reaches a state of utter chaos when I perceive that I am out of control.  Because I know, in some far reach of my brain that I am not in control.  I know that, every God fearing believer knows that.  But I don’t live that.  Not hardly.

This is none so clear as in my life with children.  When I was fairly uninterested in having children and taking precautions against pregnancy, I conceived a beautiful baby girl.  My response was terror.  This wasn’t my plan.  This wasn’t how it was supposed to happen.

Two years later, my hearts desire was to conceive another child.  It didn’t happen, after months and years it didn’t happen.  Again I responded with terror.  This wasn’t MY plan, This wasn’t how it was supposed to happen.

So I changed MY plans, we would adopt.  We went through the whole messy business and right there, I get pregnant.  Terror, this wasn’t my plan, this wasn’t supposed to happen.

I have given up planning but I still want some control and God is prying my fingers from that need one finger at a time.

Because I have conceived again, and well, I’m responding with a bit of terror.  This wasn’t my plan.  This wasn’t supposed to happen.  But I rejoice that despite my lack of faith and trust God continues to bless us.

“Inconceivable!”

“You keep using that word.  I do not think it means what you think it means.”

No matter how I fight it, it’s happening!

Meet Davies baby #3, coming Feb. 2010.

 

Wax Philosophical

Emma has been listening to the soundtrack of “Wicked” quite a bit lately.  We were fortunate enough to get to go see the show a little while back.  Emma loved it!  In the car today we were listening to the song, “Thank Goodness.”  In it the lyrics say, “Happy is what happens when all your dreams come true.”  From the back seat Emma pipes up, “that’s not true Mommy.”  Oh, really, why do you say that?  ”Because all my dreams haven’t come true and I’m still happy.”  True contentment spoken of so simply.  She proceeded to ask me why the girl in the song said that and we had a long discussion about contentment, in which I learned a lot about what I believe and know and yet rarely live out.  Hmmm….

 

Awarded

The last week of school Emma earned an award for achievement throughout the year.  We couldn’t be more proud.  

 

Recital

WAAAY back in May Emma had her first piano recital.  I was more nervous than she was.  She did wonderful and is enjoying piano more and more.  Even better is that she wants to carry on learning and values the experience as well.

 

Behind

But now I’m catching up.

 

Beautiful, inside and out

Parenting has by far been the most rewarding, most insanity inducing experience I could have ever hoped for.  I question my ability daily.  And with the world pulling in one direction and me pulling in the other, I imagine being a child is rather difficult too.  I often forget to think about Emma’s side of things, to take her personality and short life experience into consideration.  I just want to do “it” “right.”  Whatever that means.  I’ve been reminded recently that I need to spend less time reading parenting books and fretting (although I do find many parenting books quite helpful) and more time on my knees praying.  As much control as I think I have or want to have it just isn’t so.  And the only way to impart wisdom and truth to my child is to be soaked in it myself.  Oh, my dear sweet girls.  I hope that they are able to become “healthy” adults despite my shortcomings.

 

Emma’s Technicolor Dream Quilt

I started quilting while pregnant with Emma.  David’s mother Susan helped me get started and has always been a huge support.  Or as David says, she’s my enabler.  Emma has watched me sew countless quilt projects and for a long time has asked when she could learn to quilt and be a part of the fun.  So, a couple weekends ago while visiting David’s parents Susan and I helped Emma complete her first quilt top.  Next time we will quilt it.  I think she did an excellent job.

 

Open House

Emma’s school had “Open House” last week.  I always enjoy seeing all that is going on at her school.  We were able to see all of Emma’s work.  The class was filled with art and writing projects.  In particular was a writing assignment in which each student was asked what they would do if they had a hundred dollars.  I flipped through the book reading each students answer, American Girls topped the list.  Then I got to Emma’s.  She wrote that she would buy an electric toothbrush for her mom.  I had mentioned to David (not Emma) that I was thinking about switching to an electric toothbrush, the dentist says it’s better, blah, blah, blah.  A few days after that Emma asked me how much an electric toothbrush cost, to which I replied, ” I think about a hundred dollars.”  So my precious little girl thought of me, not herself.  I gotta tell you, it was hard to hide my eyes all welled up tears.  Not only were we able to see her doing well academically, but also that she is excelling in becoming a kind and generous person.  What more could a parent ask for?  She makes me so proud.

 

Ninety

Today my dad would’ve been 90 years old. I wish I could be celebrating with him. Our family tradition was to call the birthday boy/girl first thing in the morning and sing “Happy Birthday.” I felt so sad not to get to do that, so I sang to him in my backyard. I felt a sadness at not hearing Emma yell “Happy Birthday!” over and over until he finally heard her. I sure miss him. My own birthday passed a few months ago and I missed hearing him sing to me. Ninety is pretty significant. He saw SO MUCH in his lifetime. WWI ended the year prior to his birth. And in his lifetime there was the creation of television, commercial flight, movies with sound and then color, computers, man walked on the moon etc, etc. In his life he experienced the Great Depression and then great prosperity, though he had a hard time living as though he had enough. He would always “hoard” things. If there were crackers or sugar on at able in a restaurant then it all came home with us, he got better over the years. He also experienced and took part in 3 wars; WWII, he was at Pearl Harbor when it was attacked, the Korean Conflict and Vietnam. Personally, he had so much tragedy as well, mostly brought on by his choices. But by the time I entered his life he seemed to be looking for a fresh start. He loved me deeply. He wanted me to be with him all the time and I wanted to be with him all the time. My first year away at college he wrote me a letter EVERY DAY. EVERY DAY. As a young adult I became aware of my fathers short comings. Short comings that I couldn’t/wouldn’t see before. I started to see what kind of man my dad had been and then decided I would be judge, jury and executioner. My relationship with him was forever changed because I couldn’t see past his faults. I threw away the intimacy I had with him and I regret it. By the time I realized my relationship with him was separate from his life “before” he had started to change, to age and it was like starting over with a different person. I found that in the last few years I had a hard time relating to my dad, he wasn’t the man I remembered. Since his passing all I can think about are my memories of my dad. His stories, our trips and mostly how much I adored him. I thought my dad was a superhero. His life and stories influenced almost every research report I wrote in elementary school through high school.  I’ve been constantly processing his passing.  I miss him.  I am so sad that Megan will never know him.  I feel the loss that Emma’s memories of him will be vague.  I’m so thankful that I’ve reached a point in my maturity to be so thankful for my father.  My life has been blessed because of him and his great love for me.

 

Cheeky

Yesterday morning Emma, Megan and I snuggled together. We do most mornings and it is a wonderful way to start the day. After a little Emma began to play with Megan. She looked at me and said, “You know, we should get a shirt for Megan that says ‘Step away from the cheeks.’”
She could do stand up.