Soft

Recently I have been keenly aware of how little I have “suffered” in this life. My current life circumstances are such that every day tasks feel difficult. ¬†Going anywhere, trying to preform the most simple tasks require so much effort. ¬†There is a sense of constant “doing,” and yet very little is actually done. And in this state I hear my inner voice grumbling and occasionally crying. Then I take a step back and realize how easy my life truly is. So that leads me to the conclusion that my life has been so easy any difficulty feel hard or overwhelming. I hate to admit this about myself. I almost deleted this post in case anyone reads it and finds out how soft I am. Good grief, get my to the psychoanalyst’s stat!

Good run

Today the 5:30 am run lost. But I did get on the treadmill this afternoon after much debating and many interruptions. With a good result though, so I am glad I did it. Ran 5 miles in 43 minutes flat. I’m trying not to have a time goal for the race on Saturday. I just want this to be getting back into running races again. Still, I find myself thinking about how fast I can run it, could I do in under 54? I doubt it so I am trying not to think about it. Running has been such a good release for me. A distraction even from my daily “to do” list. The exertion is good for me, the endorphins are much needed recently as well. Right now, running is my only way of staying attached to reality.

Love/Loath

I have a love/loath relationship with the 5:30am run. On one hand it’s quite, relatively, seeing as I live in a fairly big city. It’s over with early. I get a head start to the day. I get to run outside instead of on the treadmill. I have “free time” during the babies naps. On the flip side, it’s SO early and so cold and my bed is so warm. I’m by three o’clock I am pretty tired… unless I can sneak a nap in while the babies are napping. I’m always glad I did it when I do it, it’s just so hard to make myself go. THe conversation in my head at 5:30 goes through this list and then some. I the running usually looses because I am weak. Yesterday running won and I had a magnificent day. Today running lost and I feel cruddy. I want to do a temp run tomorrow, which is easier on the treadmill… but will I be able to do it at 5:30?